The Jay Park FAIL BLOG

THINGS PRICED HIGHER THAN $11.99:

• A pack of women’s shaving cartidges. ($17.99)
• A stupid movie with a stupid title. ($14.99)
• (Well, to be fair, $11.99 is worth more than the debut of Taylor Lautner’s abs: $9.99)
• A Yankee candle. Seriously, it’s a candle. ($24.99)
• Lana Del Ray’s album. Ouch. ($11.99, 2 fewer songs)
• 48-pack of Preparation H. Smooth shit, literally. ($17.86)
• 12-pack of VOSS water. I don’t understand expensive water. ($17.80)
• Kim Kardashian’s perfume. Because every girl dreams of smelling like a true American success story: making money off publicizing a sex tape and a 72-day marriage. ($27.49)

DEAR JAY PARK:

I have $10.92 left on my iTunes account.

I demand that you take more of my money.

$11.99 is an insult.

DEAR READERS OF JAYPARKFAILBLOG (if there are any left):

Please buy Jay Park’s album.

Seriously, what other useless shit are you going to spend $11.99 on?

Love,

JAYPARKFAILBLOG

P.S.1 HieveryoneIknowI’vebeengonealongtimelifeandstuffyouknow. Will try to provide a couple lulz in the coming days to celebrate the ridiculously bangin girl in Jay’s MV Jay’s comeback.

P.S.2 I MEAN IT! BUY IT!! Sexy times, drunksies times, rockin out times, album has it all.

Today, I was alarmed to read the following announcement from @JAYBUMAOM:

Out of my deep concern, I decided to make a flyer to facilitate the speedy recovery of of Mr. Park’s derriere. Please help in the search effort!

Much thanks to @JWalker_MISHBUM for the very helpful picture of Jay’s posterior! (Although, I’m not sure if announcing to the world you provided a picture of a butt is the best way to express my gratitude…)

• Question: You seem 22
  
  Btw, I think your blog is fantastic. It's such a fun combination of news and sarcasm ~ - littlecat
• Answer:

  Woohoo! 22 is a multiple of 11. I’ve always liked multiples of 11.

  Thank you for your kind words. However, I think we’re in a ton of trouble if people consider my blog news… taking into consideration the last… 3 posts I made. (Or almost all of them.) But I appreciate it! You (and everyone else) are all awesome. <3

 If the Michelin Man and Optimus Prime had a Korean baby…

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• Question: How old are you?? - Anonymous
• Answer:

  126 and a fourth. I’m quite the hip granny, no? How old do I seem? :D

Sorry, I just realized these posts maybe be a little age inappropriate. SO IF YOU’RE YOUNGER THAN… 15? 16? GO AWAY. <3 (Not like you will, but at least I tried haha.)

This appeared in my feed just as I uploaded the last post. So perfectly timed.

Below, Jay Park models his very manly dominatrix boots as he spreads himself out over the sofa, gazing lustfully off to the side and waiting. He appears well-prepared for his session with @Traphik as evidenced by his well-padded clothing and um… skateboard.

It seems that our Jay is rather… easy. And awfully eager to please.

BUT REMEMBER, JAY. LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL THING. LOVE-MAKING AND ALL OF IT’S ASSOCIATED ACTS SHOULD BE CONSENSUAL AND NOT RUSHED. IT IS YOUR RIGHT TO SAY NO (or yes). YOUR BODY IS YOUR TEMPLE. *coughAtemplethatthousandsofgirlsgladlyworshipcough*

/end sex talk PSA

The real question: Is Timothy (AKA @Traphik) the most idiotic or smartest person alive in turning down Jay’s offer?

PUTRID DRYER FAIL. ♥

Dear Jay,

I have some random comments and questions for you:

• What qualifies as “pubescent boy hair” exactly? (And I’d be careful if you’re talking about Junior’s facial hair. Your face is almost more hairless than a baby’s bottom.)
• Jay, please define the term “racist”. (0:27)
• …Koala Lumper? …Cool Alllah lump her? …Oompa loompa? Doomp-a-dee-doo. (0:57)
• Pewter JAI HO? Pee-yoo, dry her? PUTRID DRYER! (1:08) Damn, someone’s gotta forgo the L in GTL.
• Apparently you once again failed with dates when announcing the Indonesian fanmeet. BUT! You caught himself this time! Congrats! Cutting and pasting an edited clip in of a very emphatic “DECEMBER 6TH!” with dramatic hand gesticulations and all. But for whatever reason, you still felt the need to have the already-recorded clip playing in the background to get the date right? Fail.
• Very classic Jay: one ear tucked in his cap and the other one sticking out.
• I took a full moment to marvel at his very epic hat at 2:21.
• You make some epic facial expressions while singing the cover. Seriously. Mute and watch. And insert your own dialogue. It’s a fun exercise.
• Can you (or someone else) enlighten me as to who you’re trying to imitate at 3:58?
• Wardrobe change much? Jenny From The Block would be proud.
• NO JAY. YOU FAIL. WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS.

Love,

THE JAY PARK FAIL BLOG

Behold, the man with the baby soft skin and infamous inability to grow significant facial hair…

…sporting an unidentifiable furry animal on his face?

…

Not gonna lie. I want to pet it. And then call an animal shelter.

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A seemingly friendly Halloween message to his fans with a little more 2011 teasing…

…

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