Today, I was alarmed to read the following announcement from @JAYBUMAOM:
Out of my deep concern, I decided to make a flyer to facilitate the speedy recovery of of Mr. Park’s derriere. Please help in the search effort!
Much thanks to @JWalker_MISHBUM for the very helpful picture of Jay’s posterior! (Although, I’m not sure if announcing to the world you provided a picture of a butt is the best way to express my gratitude…)
Sorry, I just realized these posts maybe be a little age inappropriate. SO IF YOU’RE YOUNGER THAN… 15? 16? GO AWAY. <3 (Not like you will, but at least I tried haha.)
This appeared in my feed just as I uploaded the last post. So perfectly timed.
Below, Jay Park models his very manly dominatrix boots as he spreads himself out over the sofa, gazing lustfully off to the side and waiting. He appears well-prepared for his session with @Traphik as evidenced by his well-padded clothing and um… skateboard.
It seems that our Jay is rather… easy. And awfully eager to please.
BUT REMEMBER, JAY. LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL THING. LOVE-MAKING AND ALL OF IT’S ASSOCIATED ACTS SHOULD BE CONSENSUAL AND NOT RUSHED. IT IS YOUR RIGHT TO SAY NO (or yes). YOUR BODY IS YOUR TEMPLE. *coughAtemplethatthousandsofgirlsgladlyworshipcough*
/end sex talk PSA
The real question: Is Timothy (AKA @Traphik) the most idiotic or smartest person alive in turning down Jay’s offer?
PUTRID DRYER FAIL. ♥
Dear Jay,
I have some random comments and questions for you:
Love,
THE JAY PARK FAIL BLOG
Behold, the man with the baby soft skin and infamous inability to grow significant facial hair…
…sporting an unidentifiable furry animal on his face?
…
Not gonna lie. I want to pet it. And then call an animal shelter.
I apologize for the delay. And the wordiness of this particular entry. I’ve bolded the particularly bromantic part because some of you seem to really like those. Pervs.
…More to come! :D
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Ryan Higa and Wongfu Productions have teamed up to bring us a new short film from Mr. Higa’s recurring “Word of the Day” series. The latest episode, entitled “Bromance” guest stars the oh-so-color-coordinated Jay Park, otherwise known as the “REALLY HOT NEW GUY” by YouTube commenters all over.
The film opens at an unassuming boba joint where Wongfu’s Philip Wang and Mr. Park are happily reunited after what we can assume is a long, devastating period apart. As the two engage in a casual man-hug, the scene fake freezes for Mr. Higa’s opening monologue. Consequentially, the pseudo-still frame prolongs the background pair’s awkward physical contact and Mr. Park’s not-so-unnoticeable blinking.
Setting the stage for the rest of the film, a definition of BROMANCE is panned across the screen, with commentary giving a very accurate etymological history of the word and the wondrous man-made desert architecture built by its originators, the Romans.
Mr. Park and Mr. Higa re-enact “an act of bromanstication” by the mighty Asian Romans who built the pyramids. In his YouTube acting debut, Park confidently throws himself into the role with his authentic Roman-era armor, imposing battle axe, and enthusiastic man smack to his co-star’s derriere. While Mr. Higa initially looks startled at the unexpected show of affection, his expression quickly melts into an expression of enjoyment and acceptance, spurring on many future generations of locker room butt slaps.
In addition to the film’s historical substance, the emotional depth is present in full force with the following scene where Mr. Park portrays a grieving man’s sorrow over the loss of his canine companion Peatry. Mr. Higa plays the comforting friend, with a single violin somberly accompanying as he lightly clasps a single consoling hand on Park’s mourning shoulder. The poignant scene is dramatically broken by a single, bold, harshly accusatory word that is stamped across the screen:
BROMANCE.
The duo’s impressive chemistry, however, also extends into conveying considerable sexual subtext. In one scene, the two stand outside as Park slowly sips from a straw as Higa looks on with barely concealed desire at both his friend and the innocent beverage.
“It looks really good,” Higa breathes, intently staring at Park’s pale, clear face.
“It is,” Park replies, finally gazing at Higa for the first time.
“Can I have a sip?”
While it remains unclear exactly whether it is the drink or Park himself that Higa wishes would quench his thirst, the sudden aggressiveness with which he uses to attack the drink can only suggest
BROMANCE.
The tension between the two reaches a climax in the ending scene as they greet each other on a sunny, beautiful Californian day. They both initially feign casualness with a guy handshake, but their small talk quickly escalates the tenor of their discourse with comments on how the one looks good and the other’s haircut. The simmering emotions beneath the surface burst through as Higa missteps and reaches out to caresses Park’s silky hair. Park’s initial delight upon hearing the first compliment on his hair in months falters as his friend’s thumb not-so-accidentally strokes the milky white skin of his ear. Undeterred, Higa’s intense and amorous gaze reveals his feelings for the worlds to see, as he waxes poetic over Park’s hair, “soft like eyebrow hair.”
These words smash the last pieces of their relationship’s casual front, leaving them in a painful and endlessly awkward silence. However, even with their defenses completely fallen, still neither can step forward, neither can look each other in the eye with complete honesty.
Higa, desperately trying to salvage the shards of their friendship weakly moves on to talking about the weather. Park, in true Ennis del Mar fashion (Heath Ledger’s character from Brokeback Mountain) uncomfortably looks away and in relief jumps on the new, safer avenue of conversation.
Viewers are left unsatisfied, wishing for more and what could have been.
Truly a classic masterpiece.
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Here is a compilation of what other esteemed critics (AKA YouTube commenters) have said about this film:
“OMG MY DAD CHANGED HIS DIAPER BEFORE”
“i hope iw asnt the only 1 who looked up to see if the romans really built pyramids” (Just fail.)
“the new no homo loll”
“OMGWTFBBQ! It’s jay!” (I just found that use of internet slang hilarious.)
“almost 1/5 percent of bromances end up in a dudevorce :’c”
“WHY HASN’T THE WORLD EXPLODED FROM THE AWESOME YET”
“Shit. Jay’s hot.”
“Bromance: Evidence used to support fan fiction writer’s theories.”
“more intense bromancing next time 4 the creepy fangirlsss…. like me. *-*”
“That guy Jay is a a Browhore”
“ur friends hot shawty”
All in all, a successful YouTube skit debut for Jay Park, no?
Jay may not be able to teach us grammar, spelling, or punctuation, but he can teach us slang. Time for a mini-lesson on the term “krunk”!
Taken from the Rap Dictionary:
- To have a good time. Long as everybody get crunk in the drop — Lil Bow Wow (Bounce with me [2000].
- To get crazy drunk. Originally, this term comes from the words crazy and funk. As opposed to popular opinion, crunk has had no relation to being coked up and drunk until recently. Because if its similarity of terminal sound with the word drunk many rappers have used it in reference with being crazy and under the influence. This and the intrinsical association with hard partying has brought about its association with alcohol.
- A style of music most commonly made by rap artists from the southern states, aka the Dirty South. Some crunk artists (or groups) are Lil’ Jon, Pitbull, Lil’ Scrappy, Trillville, and David Banner and also [[[lil’joe the prince of Crunk]] n N b o Crunkmusic
- At a high level, as in volume: “He got the speakers in the trunk with the bass on crunk.” (Mos Def, from “Mr. Nigga” on Black on Both Sides).
It seems Jay is more down with the lingo these days than I am. I assumed the 2nd definition was the prevalent one, being the depraved and indulged youth that I am. (I still hold that it was the original definition.)
So you can only imagine my surprise when I saw this tweet professing his nonchalant intentions to get down with his friends Jack, Jose, and the Captain.
(Those friends being Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Captain Morgan. Just in case you’re not old enough to drink yet. Or have not been acquainted with these gentlemen.)
However, he gets a pass this time around, as it appears he was using the first definition.
I hope he’s getting krunk quite splendidly in LA. And I hope you all can also get krunk soon too. <3
Oh, and also, to further your krunk education…
Appropriately inappropriate playlist to “get krunk” to:
Pitbull - Go Girl
Ying Yang Twins - Shake (ft. Pitbull)
Lil Jon - Get Krunk
Yeah, pretty much those 3 embody the spirit of “getting krunk.” Enjoy.
Gratuitous shots of his inarguably sexy back as a show of thanks for pwning the Top Trends list with “Jay Bum” are nice and all (even if I’m pretty sure it took him longer than the 5 minutes he announced to pose for it)…
But this may have set a dangerous precedent.
What happens when he gets #1 on a music show/chart?
Or maybe someday if he gets into the top 10 on Billboard?
Or…?
What will fans expect then?
…
Okay, you perve. Stop salivating.
Those poor nuna fans were trying so hard to concentrate on streaming and downloading Jay’s songs at all the Korean music sites. And then he tweets this. RIP nuna fans. <3
